Bangs

All things should be done in moderation. It's okay to have a piece of chocolate, but you probably don't want to fire down a whole box or else you'll feel a little sick. If you'd like a drink, go for it, but don't go overboard, otherwise you could end up in the hospital. You get the point.

There are many things which have an obvious effect if you abuse it. There are, on the same note, some things with effects that aren't as obvious as the previously mentioned ones. Let's investigate something who's effects might not be as obvious if an overdose were to happen.

Bangs. I'm not referring to the noises which usually follow some sort of firework, a popping of an inflated paper bag, the backfiring of some crappy car, nor the sound your child makes while pretending to play cowboys and indians. I'm talking about the hair towards the front of a female's scalp, at the top of the forehead which is usually cut shorter than the rest, and fashioned in some sort of vertical/horizontal fashion.

Bangs are essential on some people. They've got huge foreheads and their hair is a good fashion of dressing up that situation. Awkwardness might be inevitable without them if an oversized forehead becomes mistaken for a serving platter, fisheye mirror, or solar panel.

Returning to the moderation in all things, some people can really over-do this. If you have too much/many bangs, you're fugly. Now, I claim in no way to be a hair expert. I have very little hair, by my own choice, and have to do nothing with it, except wash and dry it with a towel. With that in mind, I feel no urge to grow my bangs (nor encourage anybody to do so) to a length or height which could be mistaken for a tidal wave, burrowing groundhog, or flushing toilet.

I have seen some wacky setups for bangs. One lady had the stuff all bundled up like she was attempting to artistically represent paint swirls. Another, with bangs neatly folded on top of her head, separating in the middle, to form a cursive-like 'W'. Honestly, when was the last time you looked around at other people to maybe compare yourself to how they look? Has it completely slipped your mind that when they sing "One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn't belong" that they're talking about you?

If you're going to do your bangs in paint-swirls and cursive 'W's, please do these too:

• Barber's Pole
• Celtic Knots
• Bird's Nest
• Honeycomb
• Dodecahedrons

If you can't accomplish those things with your bangs and have the ability to change those on the fly, please refrain from doing such stupid things with your bangs. It makes the rest of us glad that we're not so lost.