2009.12.09 Messing with My Head
Considering our recent event, I don't think it's abnormal to have something on my mind. I still have yet to find out any information about the other party involved. I imagine that information is shortly forthcoming as it has been now 2 weeks (!) since it happened.
What I've decided is this: my life will never be the same again. I don't foresee taking another road trip or driving on a freeway with questionable (or no) center dividers without thinking about it. I can guarantee I'll be a more cautious driver, and far more defensive. I know Cecilia is changed as well, as she has now taken to commenting on other drivers and how they should be more careful. She's 5, and shouldn't be thinking about that sort of thing. Becky talks about it, but 2 year-olds are far less aware of the world around them (thankfully, in this case).
I wish I could stop mentally replaying it over and over and over and over and over again. Thankfully the replays are diminishing, and obviously it's a form of coping that my mind needs to do. Numerous details are as clear today as they were when it happened. Some things are a bit clearer:
- I love Maria… a lot. One of the worst parts of the day was when we got separated to go to the hospital. It felt like an eternity until I got to hear her voice again, and see her. How very uncool to even contemplate a life without her.
- Just because I had endured the scariest experience of my life, doesn't mean anybody else had. It was completely weird to go back to work or interact with others. I'd still be in the midst of coping with it, and everyone else is acting like it's just another day - because it was just another day. I couldn't stop thinking about the accident, and nobody else even knew it happened - or if they did, it felt like they didn't fully grasp its breadth. I still space out in the middle of the day thinking about it.
What am I supposed to learn from this? Why were so fortunate in the whole event (relatively speaking)? What should we do about a car? We're on our third rental, and should be getting a check any day now to help buy a new car. I hate shopping for cars, and certainly don't feel like I can afford a new one with the recent home purchase. More of a financial pinch is just what we need these days… not.
*sigh* I know this whole thing is old news for you, but it's not for us. Who knows when it will be – maybe not for a while.