Longbored Surfer

2007.07.30 DC, I'm Sorry

When I feel like it, I know when I'm wrong (let's be honest here, I'm male, and stubborn, and I'm me… so it's when I feel like it, not all the time (this is probably worthy of its own blog entry by itself)). I say this because I owe an apology you. I've done wrong, and I've made a fool of myself. For all the bad things I've said about you, you've never mislead me, or been untrue to yourself. Diet Coke, please forgive me.

I can vividly remember saying “It doesn't even have sugar… what's the point of drinking that?” I've been even more harsh on the caffeine-free version of you (“No sugar & no caffeine? It's just flavored water”), but I haven't matured enough to get around to that apology. Diet Coke, your Aspartame flavor and slight post-swallow spikiness are actually the things I enjoy now. Your sweeter sibling, Coke, can't take those two things away from you. You're probably better when slightly watered-down, and also in soda-fountain form if we're being totally honest. Despite my years of favoritism for your sibling, I was at one point somewhat forced to try you out exclusively for a while and I have come around. Between the aforementioned post-swallow spikiness and your Coke flavor, I'm a fan. I must admit there are a few issues I have with you, however.

If I eat candy, then drink some of you, you're horrible. Maybe it's your way of scolding me for eating non-Aspartame-sweetened stuff, and therefore giving me a kind of slap on the hand/tongue. I still come back to you though, so what's up with that? Also, you're a little too over-zealous on the carbonation in your can form when working with the rabbit-pellet-sized ice (love it). You kind of need to lay off the fizzing in that case. One last gripe, but it's not specific to you, but you're nasty when you're warm… maybe you should look into that, like go to a class or get some therapy. Maybe that's just a family issue.

If you'll allow me, I'd like to leave on a positive note here. Your previously placement among nation–wide–(non-Walmart brand or Shasta McNasty because they're just not actually cola they're crap in a can, only sold for 25¢ so people can feel like they're drinking cola, instead of toilet water)–cola–selling–brands, you've moved up 2 places in the overall ranking. Previously the rankings were like this:

  1. Coca-cola
  2. Pepsi
  3. Diet Coke
  4. Diet Pepsi

But the new rankings for me are like this:

  1. Diet Coke
  2. Diet Pepsi (with a lime wedge, otherwise it's #4)
  3. Coke
  4. Pepsi

I admit as well that you're tastier with lime, but I don't generally have any lime wedges with me, and I'm not really a fan of that powdered lime packet stuff, since it has a funky after-taste. Overall though, you've got to be pleased with my conversion. I've really come around, and yet again I'd like to apologize for my wrong-doing and ill-speaking of your tasty goodness. You were right, I was wrong. No, I'm not going to send you flowers and a box of chocolates, since we've already discussed how gross you are with candy, and we also know of your corrosive nature (at least with cleaning coins, so I can only imagine what you'd do to some flowers). Diet Coke first, then candy, not the other way around.

P.S. I love you.

(this should be filed under "Open Letters to People/Entities/Things which are unlikely to respond", but I don't have that category on my blog, since it's too long)

Tag(s): food soap_box

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