Here is a sample of two comments that I recently heard:

Only a Mac guy would ever show me that.

Apparently 100% of the people in this world who aren't, in this person's estimation, a “mac guy” would never show them that. Interesting.

This is the worst performance I've ever seen.

By the way Bill Walton talks, it seems that basketball is in a downward spiral with how frequently he makes these comments. Some would contend this to be true, but that's not the point here.

If you understood what you were doing to the world you wouldn't be able to move at all. You would just be like <corpse-ish body stance>

But thanks to my apparent lack of understanding of my personal impact on the world I'm able to live a guilt-free, mobile existence. Okay.

In one of these examples, the person felt they were capable of speaking for everyone out there. I don't remember having elected this person to speak for me (though I might be ineligible, since I fall into that “mac guy” categorization). It's a shame that a coworker of mine was elected to such a prestigious post for the world, yet I haven't received any fringe/french[1] benefits. Really a shame.

I think the basketball world would be better off if Bill Walton didn't commentate for games. He's seems to be lining these types of comments up before he gets on the air. He can make a comment like “That's the worst call I've ever seen”, then 10 minutes later say the same thing about a different call. Either it's true, or he's got really bad short term memory loss issues. If I were feeling really froggy, I'd make a bingo card that would let you know when a team is going to lose a game, depending on the comments made by Bill (kind of like my old post "Words that Tell me that my Staff Meeting has gotten to the point of a Bunch of People Acting Like they know what they're Talking About", except an actual bingo card). Bill's face would be in the middle, yet backed with a metal plate so you couldn't poke his eyes out – always a temptation.

Physically debilitated due to total comprehension—whoa. Although I think my slowness has more to do with my weight than lack of understanding, I'm glad to know I apparently don't understand everything. I've got a lot more to do before I'm ready to be a vegetable, and a lot more to understand. Maybe I should stop trying to understand some things… like these issues:

• Fortune cookies don't really taste all that great, but shouldn't a fortune taste good… unless you're doomed to be a Wal-Mart greeter and scrape by living off of Top Raman forever?
• My right eye is slightly more closed than my left eye, possibly because I got nailed in the face as a kid by a baseball while playing catcher without any gear. Oops. (though it's the top lid that's more closed, not the bottom that's swollen up)
• Despite my brother warning me as a kid, pushing the button to release the emergency brake 13 times in a row didn't make the car explode (although I was screaming at my mother not to press it, since I didn't want to die). Still trying to figure that one out.
• Despite Kenny Mayne having said "Holy Tornado" (3:37 mark) on SportsCenter, I don't think he ever paid Will Farrell the $10 for that. Doesn't he think there were lots of witnesses?

So… what to do with my spare brain cycles now…

[1] French benefits, coming from the FedEx commercial "Wrong". Funny one. Also, maybe I'm just design-challenged, but I never noticed the slick arrow in FedEx's name. Was I alone in that one?