Went to Vegas last week and spilled Diet Coke on myself twice in one day. Something says that’s not the @rands way of doing Vegas.
At an event which has its own hash tag. Can’t bring myself to use it.
@dodgerscribe The Spazmatics. They were too entertaining (and the crowd was too small) for me to “stop believing” and walk out. Next time…
@dodgerscribe Just heard your favorite song performed by a live band. Proud of myself for not walking out.
@waxpancake Unlike a SSN, however, nobody actually memorizes it. How else do you think they keep all of our donations organized? ;)
@chockenberry @nickheer PORK AND POULTRY ENHANCEMENT TECHNOLOGY IS PART OF YOUR OPTIONAL EGGSCOPE CHOCKLOCK BREAKFAST DUH
@danbenjamin “There is a tremendous build-up of GOOK all over [these windows]!”
@hotdogsladies I gotta give it to tortilla chips for still showing a strong presence with 5%. Stayin’ strong. And crispy.
@gruber They could have hit $50b if the iPhone 4S wasn’t such a big disappointment by not force-quitting all its apps. (cc @alexeckermann)
If you do any development for the web, you’re cheating yourself if you don’t own xScope. l.lbs.im/x
johnroderick Hey everyone who ever justified file-sharing by saying “I’ll totally buy some stuff later”. Make good on your promise! TODAY!
I’m pretty sure Inception is just the flashy thingie from Men in Black.
@danielpunkass Congratulations! It’s always an amazing experience. Good luck with Henry’s trying-to-figure-out-this-new-change-to-the-family
I’m done with these jokes. I promise. (I reserve the right to go back on this promise later today when I think I’m funny again.)
badbanana Just read a bunch of your SOPA jokes and now I’m in favor of Internet censorship.
Rainbows are a product of unicorn tears, solar flares, and a troupe of traveling midgets. #FactsWithoutWikipedia
U2’s fifth studio album was originally called “That funky looking plant we’ve seen in the desert”. #FactsWithoutWikipedia
“The Three Musketeers” by Alexandre Dumas is about a group of friends with an addiction to mediocre candy bars. #FactsWithoutWikipedia
@willie Perfect candidate, just don’t skip the fry sauce. ;)
@willie I’m not sure if I should retweet that response or not.
@willie For sure. I nearly un-followed someone because of all their retweets, but once I “Turn[ed] off Retweets” for them, they’re fine
@willie You can just block somebody’s retweets on Twitter, and it _should_ filter down to the client… Not good enough for you?
cliftonlabrum The first LASIK pitch meeting:
“We can shoot lasers into people’s eyes to make them see better.”
“Don’t waste my time. Next!”
@hotdogsladies “It’s ALL ball bearings these days!”
@gruber I got pulled over today and the officer explained that I violated penal code id-10.t - an omission of force-closing all my apps.
@chockenberry THE TEASER VIDEOS NEED MORE FLESHY PALM TO GO WITH THAT S3 IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
@cabel iClown - Junior High, all over again.
The MPAA can be such tools.
Theory: the same set of people come up with all the names for gum flavors, fireworks and deodorant scents.
I pulled a tooth today. Disappointed in myself that I didn’t do it with a rocket.
@mrgan Extra vowels are for weeirdos.
@mrgan Which Zojirushi do you have? Is it worth the price?
@garrettmurray THAT JUST GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO GET IT ON IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHICH IS THE POWER WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
@danielpunkass I know. It’s not my first day (or election) following you on twitter.
@danielpunkass Not a single one, since they’ve all already lied before. It’s not like we Mormons are perfect. Maybe the Iowan ones are.
(Insert joke here about any of the personal care things I haven’t done ALL YEAR.)